As we reflect on our years as members of the disability community, below are cautions to our fellow believers against common buzz phrases that, though spoken with intentions of comfort and connection, need to be avoided.
1. God will not give you more than you can bear. This over-used phrase has absolutely no scriptural
basis. It reflects a common misconception of 1 Cor 10:13 which is about temptation to sin, not hardship and tragedy. An insightful friend recently told me, "When Nero dipped Christians in tar and set them aflame on pikes, fellow believers did not shout out, 'don't worry, God will not give you more than you can bear!'" Instead, we ask our wonderful, well-meaning fellow believers to focus on 2 Cor 1:8-11 when they desire to bring comfort. Here Saint Paul himself begins, "We do not want you to be uniformed, brethren, about the distress that befell us... how we were so utterly and unbearable weighed down and crushed that we despaired even of life itself." The verses that follow, 9-11, give a much better road map to walking with someone through incomprehensible adversity.
2. God chooses special people to raise special children. Parents of a children with a disability often hear, "I couldn't do what you do. The Lord knew what He was doing giving you your special child. You are so amazing." At face value this is a compliment. What could possibly be wrong with encouragement of this nature? The problem is there is a hidden message - God would never do that to me because He knows I couldn't handle it. What a relief. The truth is, grace is not given until the moment it is needed. Instead of this supposed compliment, we ask our fellow believers to read up on the disorder or disability that is impacting their friend's life. Then ask thoughtful questions which show a willingness to learn and help.
3. I know how you feel, I understand. (An exception for us is when this statement comes from a fellow parent of a child with autism). Most people do not comprehend what is like to raise a child with a disability. Unfortunately this does not lead most to simply admit ignorance and find ways to educate themselves. The practice of making meaningless statements of supposed comprehension or attempting to create points of common experience does nothing but widen the gap. For example, we once listened to a minister speak to a group of parents dealing with autism. He claimed a level of connection because he had a child with diabetes. We knew his heart enough to know he meant well, but the attempt did much more harm than good. Frankly, "I know" and "I understand" could be dropped from use in most social situations. These phrases do not create closeness or communicate the connection that many suppose. We should rather practice, "I don't know but I'm willing to learn" and "I don't understand but I am here for you." We would at least be beginning in a place of honesty. It is what we have to say when we meet a parent whose child struggles with cerebral palsy.
Will & Arlyn Kantz
Prov. 25:20 Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. (smiley face image found on reson8.org/stuff/leadership/)
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